Harry Potter and the Holy Grail
by Shantazzar
Summary: Harry Potter is sent on a quest by God... He must find the Holy Grail. But, has he watched enough monty python movies to get past all the trials?
1. God

Okay, im putting this under Harry Potter rather than Monty Python, cause it's a little more HP than MP

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or Monty Python, or Lord of the Rings, even though Lord of the Rings isnt in this story, I just thought I would gripe about that to you... (that's just the sweet kind of guy I am :D ahaha)

Pre-story notes: this takes place the year after OOTP... BUT, I may change a few things, mostly if I forgot some part of HP... so yea... I appologise for when I might offend you for not having entirely correct historical quotes or something...

* * *

Chapter 1

Harry was once again at Privet Drive for the summer, his life had been a typical summer for the first few months, he sat awake many nights fearing the inevitable war that was coming. He tossed and turned at night, and he was nervous during the days, until one day as he was taking a walk outside.

"Hello Potter" came a voice with a sneer. as Harry turned around, and saw Lucius Malfoy standing behind him, with the other Death Eaters behind him.

"What are you doing here?" asked Harry, startled.

"What else would we be doing??" asked Lucius with an even bigger sneer, if it was possible to have a bigger sneer

"OH, you got my dry-cleaning!" Harry said with a smile.

"WHAT?" asked Lucius, "oh right, I forgot about that, here you go" as he handed Harry some robes, and then added, "OH right, now I remember, I also wanted to kill you"

"But I thought the prophecy said only Voldemort could kill me" added Harry

"Huh, I never heard the prophecy... don't you remember, it got smashed!" Lucius added to Harry's addition

"Well, anyways, it says that only I can kill Voldemort, and only Voldemort can kill me" said Harry

"Really now????" asked Lucius cautiously

"YUP!" replied Harry, smugly grinning

"Is that ALL it said???" asked Lucius

"It also said that you should give me a hundred galleons?" said Harry

"Oh really, Did it now?"

"Yes, It did!"

"okay, here you go"

"OOO, thanks!"

"So, we need the Dark Lord to kill you huh?"

"Yup" said Harry

"Alrighty then" came a evil hiss from behind Harry

"Hiya Voldy, hows it going?" asked Harry

Voldemort winced at the name, "Im here to kill you"

Suddenly as Voldemort raised his want, and took a step forward, he tripped and fell, and being hardly more than a skeleton, he nearly vaporized when he hit the ground.

"Ahh..." Lucius said

"..." said the rest of the Death Eaters... or rather, didn't say the rest of the Death Eaters, cause I guess you cant really SAY "..."

Then suddenly, the author realized he was adding his own notes into the story, and he continued on.

Just then, Uncle Vernon walked out of the house, and shouted "AHA, I KNEW YOU WERE UP TO SOMETHING!!!"

Uncle Vernon then pulled out a shotgun, and called the police, threatening to shoot anyone who pulled out a wand

The rest of the Death Eaters were arrested by the "muggle" police, and their wands were taken, as Uncle Vernon swore they were weapons.

The rest of the summer passed quickly, after news got out of Voldemort's fall, or rather, his trip (ahaha)

Owls came to Privet drive frequently, mostly from Ron and Hermione, but often from Dumbledore, and other prestigious wizards who were congratulating him on defeating Voldemort.

Later, at the end of the summer, he was released from Privet Drive to go stay with the Weasleys for a while, so he could get his supplies for the next school year. As he walked up to their front door, after Uncle Vernon dropped him off, Ron came out shouting.

"HARRY!!!" Ron shouted, a little over-enthusiastically for Harry, "Wow, how'd you do it? Defeat Voldemort I mean, I mean I know what you said with the owls and all, but..." and Ron continued on very rapidly, and non-stop.

"All that happened was that he tripped" Harry said repeatedly over and over, trying to get Ron to stop talking for a nanosecond.

As it turned out, Ron didn't stop talking till he passed out from lack of oxygen.

Later that week, after Ron and Harry caught up on their summers, they traveled down to Diagon Alley to meet Hermione, and to get their school supplies.

"Hello Hermione!" Harry said, as he saw Hermione waiting for them.

"Harry! Ron!" shouted Hermione, as she ran over to meet them.

"Im so happy!" Hermione said

"Its nice to see you too Hermione!" Ron replied

"Huh?" said Hermione, "No, Im happy because Hagrid WAS going to use the next Monster book of Monsters this year, but one of the books ate the safety supervisor, so he's using the Acme Book of Magical Creatures instead!"

"Well, I am glad we don't have to deal with those vicious books again" Harry replied

"You can say that again!" said Ron

"Well, I am glad we don't have to deal with those vicious books again" Harry replied again

"I didn't mean literally" Ron said

Just then, as they were standing there, the clouds above them parted, and the face of God appeared

"Harry" came the voice of God, because he is so high and mighty, that you cant just say God said, but rather, something more formal, like, "came the voice of God"

Just then the Author remembered he was rambling, and shortly after he realized this, he was struck by lightning from heaven.

"Harry, I want you to go on a quest for me"

"what is it?" asked Harry

"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" asked God

"Ehh, Im averting my eyes Lord"

"STOP DOING THAT"

"Oh, sorry Lord"

"THAT'S ANOTHER THING, People always groveling, FORGIVE ME this, and IM NOT WORTHY, it makes me sick" (just then, the author got struck by lightning again)

"Oh, okay"

"ANYWHO" said God, "I am charging you with a quest to retrieve the Holy Grail"

"Where is it" asked Harry

"Its within the castle of Hogwarts, you must find it" said God as the clouds closed, and his voice faded away (and the author was struck once more by lightning)

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Please Read/Review and feel free to give me ideas, I have a few ideas of things I wanna do, but I would CERTAINLY accept good ideas, or stupid ideas, in a parody, stupid ideas can be better than good ideas... YEA 


	2. Wizard Wheezes

Okay, I still don't own Harry Potter, though I did bid for it on e-bay.

YAHOO, this story has had more reviews on the first chapter than ANY of my previous fanfics! Thank you VERY much all you reviewers! And thanks for all the ideas as well, ill try to find a good way to put them in!

Chapter 2

After the author was struck a few more times with lightning, he finally got around to writing chapter 2

"Wow, the Holy Grail is in Hogwarts?" said Ron

"I guess so" said Harry

"I don't see whats so great about it, I mean, the Sorcerers Stone was pretty much the same thing" Hermione replied

"Oh be quiet Hermione, God sent us on a quest alright?" said Ron

"Lets just get the rest of our supplies all right?" said Harry

"Okay" said Ron, then he grabbed Harry's arm and shouted, "WOW, LOOK"

Harry looked where Ron was pointing and saw a sign

Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

"Wow, Lets go in!" said Harry excitedly

"But, what about our books?" asked Hermione, but Harry and Ron were already inside

Inside they saw many familiar items, candy that made you suddenly sick for class, specially "modified" fireworks, even some of their portable swamps. Harry walked past the headless hat shelf, and found Fred and George.

"Hiya Harry!" said Fred and George in unison

Ron dashed around to where they were and said, "I cant believe you actually OPENED this place!"

"Its GREAT aint it?" said Fred

"Whats this one? I don't remember it." Harry said, as he looked at a strange spherical object, that appeared to almost be organic."

"Coconuts!" said George, "We enchanted em, so if you bang both halves together, it sounds like a horse trotting!"

"But how did you get the coconuts?" asked Ron

"Dunno, we just found em is all" replied Fred

"In London? But Coconuts are tropical" asked Harry

"Well maybe a bird carried it" said George

"Like what, a swollow?" asked Harry

"'Sure, why not?" replied George

"Coconuts are too heavy to be carried by a 5 ounce bird" said Hermione as she walked up

"Well maybe it was an African Swallow!" said Fred

"But African Swallows are non-migratory" Hermione said again.

"Hermione, why do you know so much about swallows?" asked Ron

"Well, you have to know these things when your about to go into sixth year care of magical creatures" replied Hermione

"Swallows are magical?" asked Harry

"Of course, they are fairly intellegent, and liked to confuse kings and travelers thousands of years ago by dropping coconuts on them"

"So, a swallow DID carry the coconut?" asked Ron

"These days, the chances are higher it was UPS than a swallow"

"OH Harry did we tell you that we managed to get a small shop in Hogsmead too?" said Fred, as Harry was looking at the shrubberies

"Wow really?" said Harry, a little surprised

"Yea, we already made a lot of money, plus, we had a little left over of the money you gave us!"

Harry Ron and Hermione continued to wander through the store, though it was fairly small, Fred and George had just seen another customer come in, and left them.

"Wow, look at this shelf!" said Ron

Harry walked over, and began reading the items, "Portable swamp, portable marsh, portable bog, portable bridge of death, portable backyard (with hammock!)…"

"Wow, Fred and George sure have been busy!" Ron muttered

Hermione wandered over to the headless hats, but stopped when she saw something else. "Build-a-bunny?" asked Hermione

Fred walked over, as George handled the other customer, "OH yea, if you take that out, and you cast any spell on it, it will instantly turn into a giant hollow wooden bunny!"

Later, after Harry, Ron, and Hermione had purchased a few items that might possibly be of importance later, they split up to go get their books for their next year

Please R/R, and ideas are still welcome, though I might not get to use them till they at least get to Hogwarts. BUT, Especially tell me if you have an idea how a Monty Python scene might fit into the world of Harry Potter. (If you didn't notice, I hinted at a few parts coming up during this chapter)


	3. The tale of Sir Ron

OKAY, I am finally posting chapter 3

first off, I don't own Harry Potter, Monty Python, or anything else I could be sued for claiming to own

SECOND OFF, to my nifty reviewers!

Lucid03days YAY, you reviewed it! Course, you review all my Harry Potter ones, and Trigun too if I remember… Oh, I added a part in here, as a bit of an inside joke, see if you can find it (okay, it MIGHT be in the next chapter If I forget about it this time)

MorganLeFay99 YOU'VE ONLY SEEN Monty Python once?!?! sniff I feel so sorry for you, but at least you paid attention while watching it, bonus points for that

RedBessRackham YAY, you reviewed BOTH my chapters, you're the first person to review this story twice! Though someone else might CLAIM to have "tried" to review chapter one. coughLUCID03DAYScough BUT, thanks for reading!!! I wont not try to never not forget to stop writing (I think that means Ill try to finish)

EalisaidOfTheStars YAY, another HP/MP fan!!! (that's harry potter/monty python, not harry potter/military police) Ill see to it that theres more lightning, if I can… well, the occasional bit at least

Maria0ctavia I still don't understand why you don't get an account Hannah… BUT, thanks for reviewing, though you did try to strike me with lightning again.

Unbeknownst WELL, look at mr.anonomous here! ahaha, just kidding Thanks for reviewing!

Siriuslylupin55 I will try to write more (okay, my responses are getting shorter… sorry to the people who replied first)

Secrets Untold Yes.… guys do write on , apparenly, that is surprising? Strangely enough, I don't find that offensive hmmm… BUT glad you like the story!

Neko-Neko-San YAY, you were the first reviewer! Though, im not sure if Im going to make a castle full of horny hermione clones…

ANYWAYS… onto Chapter 3… (I think ill start putting my reader responses at the end of the chapter, so you can read it easier from now on… ehh, lemme know what you think)

Chapter 3-----------------

The tale of Sir Ron

As Ron searched for the right book stores, he saw Pigwidgeon coming towards him, with a message around his ankle.

He took the note of, and Pigwidgeon sat on his shoulder, the note read :

Heres your list, you left it at home

-Mom-

He found a list, detailing many books, and recalled thinking he would be able to remember them all. Just then, a man jumped out of his shop, shouting, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, and proceeded to cast an enchantment upon Pigwidgeon before Ron could stop him, just then, Pigwidgeon started singing…

Bravely bold Sir Ron Brought forth from Camelot. (the name of Ron's subdivision… and if someone out there actually KNOWS what ron's subdivision is called, just ignore this then)

He was not afraid to die, Oh, brave Sir Ron!

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave Sir Ron.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.

Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!

To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away

And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Ron.

His head smashed in (by a giant chess piece) and his heart cut out,

And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,

"Ehh, Pigwidgeon, that's good for now" said Ron, a little surprised by his Owls sudden zeal for singing.

Just then, he ran into Draco, Crabbe and Goyle

"Hey, its little Weasley, what are you doing here?" said Draco

"uhh" Ron muttered, "looking for books?"

"I say we beat him up", said Crabbe to Draco

"With our fists, or a wand?" asked Goyle

"With our fists you idiot" Draco said, as he turned to face the other two

"Why?" asked Goyle

"Because magic is too easy to trace back to us, that's why" Draco said, in annoyance

"So, were going to beat him up the muggle way?" asked Crabbe

"YES you idiot, that's exactly what we do" said Draco, as he turned to find no one standing there

"Wheres he gone off to?" Draco shouted in even more annoyance

"He's buggered off!" said Goyle

"So he has, he's scawkerd"

"Brave Sir Ron ran away." Pigwidgeon began to sing again…

Bravely ran away away....

When Danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled

Yes brave Sir Ron turned about

And gallantly chickened out..

Bravely taking to his feet For a very brave retreat

Bravely bravely bravely bravely

Bravely bravely bravely bravely

Bravely bravely brave Sir Ron!

amid cries of, "I DIDN'T" and "NO!!" and "I NEVER"

And that's the end to chapter three, Im thinking it will be easier to do the rest of the tales (like the tale of sir lancelot) just in weird places in the story… But really, let me know if you have any ideas, like who and where the black knight should be (a duel between Harry and Draco? or some other person who is less known)

ANYWHO… please R/R


	4. Train Ride

Okay first off, SORRY for not updating sooner, my computer crashed, (or rather, all three did) and I couldn't connect exept at the library, and I couldn't really upload anything from there, except some obscure configuration file or something… and then my comp is working again, but I had lost a lot of steam, and… that's what happened.

Much thanks to all my fans, who reviewed this story, and the people who KEPT reviewing it even when it had been at least a month since I updated it…

Chapter 4:

After Ron, Harry, and Hermione had gathered (and paid for) all their supplies, they made their way over to the train, and they did so quite quickly because the author didn't feel like putting some plot in between the two scenes. They made their way onto the platform without alarming any muggles, and waited with a few other people for the train to arrive, as they were a bit early.

They noticed Neville and Luna there, and Neville walked up and spoke to Harry, "I heard that God asked you to get the Holy Grail out of Hogwarts."

"How did you hear that?" asked Harry, as the author tried to figure out some feasible explination.

"God told me too" said Neville, as the author smiled triumphantly, and then the author decided to stop talking about himself like a vain writer who talks about themselves.

"Oh, okay" said Harry, as the train approached.

They were all about to board the train, when Draco stepped in front of Harry.

"None shall pass!" said Draco, as Harry walked to another train car and got on anyways.

"JUST YOU WAIT" shouted Draco, "Ill stop you from getting into SOMEWHERE!"

Harry walked on, and sat down in a one of the rooms with Ron and Hermione.

After a while, the train started, and a person came by the room with a cart of candies.

"Minstrels?" asked Ron, "What are minstrels?"

"Oh, minstrels, it's a new chocolate candy that sings, and it makes you happy when you eat em!" said the person who was pushing the cart. (just so you know, it has been scientifically proven that chocolate makes you happy)

"Oh, okay, Ill get some, to eat later on during the trip" Ron replied, as he got some minstrels.

The train ride continued on for quite some time, and Harry Ron and Hermione all got hungry around the same time, and ate "Sir" Ron's minstrels, and there was much rejoicing. (this is where you are supposed to groan)

After a while, the author really couldn't think of anything else for them to do on the train, so the train stopped, at Hogwarts.

All the first years made their way into the boats, as Harry made his way to the nearest Thestral carriage, and they saw Neville walk up and pet one of them like he would a dog.

Harry Ron and Hermione all knew the routine, and followed all the other students to the dining room, and sat down at the Gryffindor table, while the first years all looked confused, and Harry saw the old beat up sorting hat sitting on a stool…

Okay, that's the end of the chaper, it's a little short, but I wanted to update the story, plus I want the sorting hat song to be a separate chapter… Oh, I also didn't feel like putting the Black Knight scene in there, mostly cause I thought about it, and Harry isn't allowed to use magic till he gets to Hogwarts, and I didn't feel like hitting backspace 32 times.

AND…

To my reviewerzes

MorganLefay99 – Sorry for taking so long, I hope you notice its been updated… its taken what… 2 months? ANYWHO, thanks for reviewing my story again! If you really don't care where I put the reviews, maybe ill try putting them all scattered through the story :P just kidding thanks for reviewing

Lucid-03-Days – Okay, I had to finish this chapter before you got back home from California, Im cutting it kinda close, but still… see ya tomorrow! (although you didn't review Chapter 3, but you said you read it right? Your "computer" didn't "work" "correctly" or "something" as I recall)

Joaniem – ARE YOU SAYING that you don't think I MEANT to say Bowls? Okay, fine, you MIGHT be right… lol Ill change it if I can… or rather, Ill change it if I am non-lazy long enough to. Thanx for reviewing!

RedBessRackham – I feel that my life has had a purpose, to make you understand just how funny Monty Python is… ahaha, WELL, It looks like you're the only person who has read my story from Chapter 1… That's 100 bonus points!

Bleh – YAY, you liked it… WOO! Ill try to keep writing, although I think I lost a BIT of momentum with this chapter… Ill get back up to speed eventually

threesadlostogslightlymadsouls – Okay, I copied your name from just to make sure I got it right… DON'T GIVE UP, the entire world must laugh at Monty Python… even the humorously un-educated. :P glad you liked it!

Jasper Cat – Wow, I cant believe that people kept reviewing this into January… I feel so validated :P Thanks for your review! I hope you like this chapter!

AND SUDDELY, the reviews ended


	5. Sorting Hat

Okay, this is Chapter 5… (a little faster than chapter 4)

I am writing this one right away, cause its fairly short, although it isn't from the Holy Grain, it is Monty Python and Harry Potterish… enjoy… I hope

Chapter 5

The entire room quieted, as the hat made a sound as if it were clearing its throat…

"I have a new song this year, as he-who-must-not-be-named is dead, so, yea, that's it" said the hat, as it burst into song…

"I'm a sorting hat and I'm okay"

"I sleep all night and I sit on a shelf all day"

Then the teachers started singing as well, (heres a tip, if it says he's, it's the teachers singing, if it says I, then it's the hat… duh)

"He's a sorting hat and he's okay"

"He sleeps all night and he sits on a shelf all day"

"I sort first years, I eat my lunch

I go to the lavat'ry (yes, even sorting hats do)

On Wednesdays I go shopping

And have buttered scones for tea"

"He sorts first years, he eats his lunch

He goes to the lavat'ry...

On Wednesday he goes shopping

And has buttered scones for tea"

"I'm a sorting hat and I'm okay"

"I sleep all night and I sit on a shelf all day"

"He's a sorting hat and he's okay"

"He sleeps all night and he sits on a shelf all day"

"I sort first years, I skip and jump

I love to press wild flow'rs

But there are reasons I am here

To sort you into houses

"That last part didn't rhyme!" said Hermione

"Hey, you try to rhyme houses with flow'rs!" said the sorting hat, as the first years started to step up, a little confused.

The names began to be called…

"Nordy Norzogoth" came the first name

"Slytherin!" said the hat as the Slythrin table cheered

"Larry" came the next name, "that's it, just Larry"

A man stood up from the first years, he was wearing a tattered old black cloak, and he wore Iron armor, and had a wicked looking iron long sword on his side, (inside joke from another story)

"Hufflepuff!" said the hat, as all the people in hufflepuff sat in a hushed silence

"Nix Wolfwood" came the third name

"Gryffindor!" said the hat, as Gryffindor cheered

"John Ronald Reul Tolkein"

"Ravenclaw" and the Ravenclaws cheered, and Larry waved and shouted hey.

"Gandalf Stormcrow"

"Ravenclaw!" said the hat, as Ravenclaw Cheered, and Larry looked a little scared

THEN SUDDENLY… the chapter ended!

Okay, I actually got a review while I was writing this…

Bluelion7 – I don't know how much Vodka I will be able to fit into this story, but Ill keep my eyes open… or my minds eye, or something, its hurts to think too much, so… yea


	6. Dennis the peasant

Okay, this is Chapter 6… (note: I took an idea from Morganlefay99… hehehe, sounded too funny to pass up)

Chapter 6

After all the sorting, the Gryffindor table stood up, and began heading towards their house.

Just then Jaspercat walked up to Harry, and Harry turned around, and said, "I'm glad you liked the lumberjack song! YAY, but Im sorry I didn't include more Lord of the Rings characters, maybe ill edit it, and at LEAST include Melkor and Sauron."

Harry then rejoined Ron and Hermione, and then Harry noticed something around Hermione's neck, and asked, "Hey Hermione, tell me that's not a time-turner."

"Yes it is, Im taking a few extra classes this year" she said.

"Im surprised, first off that you would take MORE classes this year, secondly, because you didn't use punctuation in that last sentence" Harry replied.

"How could you tell?" asked Ron.

"Magic!" Harry replied with a smug smile on his face.

"Oh shut up!" Hermione replied.

"I wont be surprised when you have a nervous breakdown." Harry said

"If she's gonna have a breakdown. It would've been before now." Replied Ron

"Yes, thank you Ron" Hermione replied

Harry just shrugged, as they continued to the painting of the Lady, this year the password was Mushgelellamumf, the name of an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh approximately 6500 B.C.

Just before they reached the painting, Hedwig flew up to Harry, with a letter, Harry took the letter and read it.

"Its from ClaireRickman… something about computer labs…" Harry said

Harry then began to write, "Lol, I feel so good when I embarrass people by making them laugh loudly… SNIFF thankx for reviewing!" and Harry sent off the letter with Hedwig, and continued into the Gryffindor Common room.

As they were stepping in, Hermione tripped, and Ron and Harry reached out and grabbed her, to keep her from falling. She almost hit her face into the ground, but Ron and Harry caught her in time, but her Time Turner hit the ground and shattered.

Ron and Harry pulled Hermione up, only to find that they were no longer in Gryffindor Hall.

"It looks like medieval Europe!" Hermione exclaimed

"Why do you say that?" asked Ron, "It could just be a forest"

"Because it would take too much time for the author to convince the readers that it was medieval Europe with just evidence, so I just said it was to save him some time"

"Oh, that's nice of you!" Ron replied

"So, how do we get back?" asked Harry

"I will need to fix my time turner with some enchanted sand" Hermione replied, "But, I cant enchant the sand, Im not good enough yet, someone else will have to"

Harry and Ron gave each other grave looks

"Uhh, I don't know bout Ron, but I sure don't know how to enchant sand"

"Yea, I don't know either"

"I didn't mean YOU, you idiots" said Hermione as she smacked Ron in the back of the head (Harry was standing just out of arms reach) "Think for a second, who is the most famous wizard in Medieval Europe?"

"OHHH!" said Harry, "Of course!"

Ron just kinda stared blankly at both of them

"Merlin!" shouted Harry

Ron smacked his head before Hermione could, "OF COURSE!"

"So…" Harry said, "Where is he?"

"Where are WE?" asked Ron

Hermione rolled her eyes, and pulled out her wand, "LOCATIONUS!" she shouted, as suddenly, a map popped out of her wand, with a little YOU ARE HERE sign on it, that moved as they moved.

Just then, someone walked up

"Morgan Le Fey?" Hermione said, as she approached

"Wrong, I am MorganLeFay99" she said

"Oh!" Harry said, "I have a message for you, let me read it"

"Wow, you're the first one to read chapters 4 and 5!" thanks for your EXTREEMLY fast response, I only had the story up a few hours before I got your reviews" read Harry, as MorganLeFay99 walked off.

"Okay, how are we going to find Merlin?" asked Harry, as he folded up the message, and ate it.

"Lets ask that peasant who lives over there!" said Hermione, as she pointed first to a peasant, then to a castle.

"Excuse me, old woman!" said Harry, as he approached the old woman

"MAN!" said the peasant who apparently was not an old woman

"Man, sorry" replied Harry

"I'm 37!" The apparently 37 year old man snapped

"Excuse me?"

"Im 37, Im not old"

"Well, Im sorry, but from the back you looked rather like…"

"Well you could have called me Denis" said the man who's name was probably Denis

"I didn't know you were called Denis"

"Well you didn't bother to find out did you?"

"Listen" said Harry, a little agrivated, "I need to know who lives in that castle"

"No one lives there"

"Then who is your lord?"

"We don't have a 'lord'"

"Look, can you tell us where someone important is? I need to find Merlin!" Harry said.

"Why do you need to see Merlin?"

"Because we're wizards, but we can't enchant sand."

"OH wizards eh? Well, I'd like to become a wizard then."

"You cant 'BECOME' a wizard" said Harry

"Well, what makes YOU so special that you get to see Merlin?"

"The Dark Lord, his arm clad in the darkest cotton robe, held aloft a wand to zap me with, yet I survived even as a child"

"Listen, Dark Lords waving around wands is no basis for a system of wizadry"

"Be quiet!" said Harry

"Now, imagine I went around, sayin I was a wizard, just because some demented freak had shot a lightning bolt at me, theyd put me away!"

"Shut up, will you SHUT UP!" said Harry, as he tried to push Dennis away.

"OH, now we see the violence inherent in the system!" said Dennis, "COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM, HELP HELP, IM BEING OPPRESSED!"

"Bloody peasant!" said Harry as he, Ron, and Hermione walked off.

Okay, that's the end of Chapter 6… please don't get mad at me bout that last conversation, it was hard to piece together. :P

Oh, and for the reviewers I didn't get to during the story…

So-Unpredictable – Sorry I couldn't get your review into the story… I could only find three places, and your name was a little harder to fit in… ANYWHO, Ill see If I can get Snape and Dobby to sing a duet or something… hehehe


	7. Witch Hunt

Welcome to Chapter 7… the chapter of DOOM or rather, the chapter after chapter 6

I would like to point out, that I forgot to mention something during the whole sorting hat part… Most of you probably don't know who Nix is… well, if you want to know, one of my best friends created her for a story… if you want to read it, its by lucid-03-days

http: Ron and Hermione walked away from Dennis, and as they did so, a mob came up to them, and grabbed Hermione, Hermione then cast a Newt Transfiguration Spell on one of the peasants.

Ron cast a brain melting spell on one of the peasants, but seeing as there wasn't much of a brain to melt, it did no good. The mob dragged off Hermione shouting, "A WITCH! A WITCH!"

Ron, and Harry followed the mob into the nearby town, as the mob mobbed around a taller person, who was apparently some kind of scientist. Though he didn't look like a good scientist.

"WE HAVE FOUND A WITCH, MAY WE BURN HER?" shouted the mob, to the so called scientist of the village.

"How do you KNEAU (heavy accent) that she is a witch?" replied the muggle scientist.

"SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT!" shouted a peasant

"..."

"I got better..."

"Ah"

note: if you have watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, nothing suprising happens here, you might as well skip to chapter 8, and for you people who find this kind of long, it really dosent change the plot at all, so if you want theres a one line summary at the end if you want to skip this and watch the good version of this scene

"IM NOT A WITCH, IM NOT A WITCH!" shouted Hermione hoping they would believe her.

"But you are dressed as one!" replied the scientist.

"They dressed me up like this!" replied Hermione.

"Did you dress her up like this?" asked the scientist

"NO! NO! No! no... well... yes, no, well, yes... a bit, a BIT... a bit" replied the mob

"just the nose"

"the nose?"

"and the hat"

"ah"

"BUT SHES A WITCH!" shouted a peasant

"People people please, there are ways of TELLING weather she is a witch"

awkward confused silence

"What do you do with witches?" asked the scientist

"BURN THEM!" replied the mob

"Gooooooooooooooooooooooood"

"What do you burn, apart from witches?" asked the scientist

"MORE WITCHES!" replied the frenzied mob

short pause-

"wood?"

"Gooooooooooooooooooooooooood" replied the scientist

"what do you do with wood?"

"bridges. BUILD A BRIDGE OUT OF UR!" shouted the mob

"AHH but can you not ALSO build bridges out of STONE?" replied the scientist

"oh yea..." replied the mob

"Does wood sink in water?" asked the scientist

"NO" replied the mob, glad to know the answer, "NO, it... it FLOATS!"

"What also floats in water?"

"pebbles, churches! LEAD, really small rocks!"

"A DUCK!" said a distinctive voice

"EEEEEXACTLY!" replied the scientist

"So, logically if someone weighs the same as a duck..."

stunned silence

More stunned silence

Yes, even more stunned silence

"that shes made of wood?" replied a peasant

"GOOOOOOOOOD!"

they rushed Hermione to a scale with a lot of ducks on one end, and her on the other. The scale of course couldn't actually tip one way or the other.

After they decided that Hermione weighed the same as a duck they rushed her off to burn her

for those who either don't understand what happened, or decided to skip it, the mob is bout to burn Hermione

anywho…

I couldn't really fit the reviews into the story this time… next chaper shouldn't be a problem :P

ClaireRickman – So… how MUCH would you pay to see (or read) a Snape and Dobby duet:P By the way, thanks for picking a username that's easy to characterize, though I didn't really get round to putting ppl in this one.

Kerilithia- YAY, glad you like my story! Lol, don't worry, Ill find some way to include the Holy Hand Grenede… probably the rabbit too…

Jaina Kenobi – WOO! Ten points! (And a Starwars fan too? By the name? course, its supposed to be Jaina Solo, and Obiwan… hard to think of a merged version :P) BUT anyways… thanks for reading!

MorganLeFay99 –A loyal reviewer, you review awfully fast, for the last 4-5 chapters at least! Nice to know you still think its funny! Thanks for the ideas!

Jaspercat – Another loyal reader! Woo! Nice to hear you like it so much! Ill try to update next chapter a lil quicker, like I did with chapter 6 :P

Bluelion7 – WOO! I made you larf!


	8. Return to normality sorta

Hello, and welcome to your doom, I mean Chapter 8

Sorry it took a while to get back to this… ANYWHO

Chapter 8 (the Mob is bout to burn Hermione, I just wanted to remind you that the mob was about to burn Hermione, in case you forgot that the mow was about to burn Hermione, anyways, back to the mob about to burn Hermione)

"The mob is about to burn Hermione!" shouted Ron, as he was smacked by a stuffed bear.

"I already KNEW that!" said Lucid03days, "Sheesh, you said that LAST CHAPTER"

"…" said Ron

"You can't SAY '…' don't you know?" replied Lucid03days

"oh…" replied Ron, highly confused "Anywho, thanx for stopping by in my story"

Lucid03days smacked Ron one last time, as Harry and Ron left, both were highly confused.

Harry and Ron took off, chasing after the mob, and they caught up to her quickly. As the mob was about to burn her, Harry said, "HEY! Look over there! It's an African Swollow! Carrying a coconut!"

The mob turned, and Harry then realized that there actually WAS an African Swallow, carrying a coconut. Harry and Ron quickly got Hermione, and replaced her with a straw-stuffed robe, with the long nose strapped to the front. After the mob got the coconut, they burned the straw Hermione, and they were all very satisfied with how well she burned.

Just then, a man walked up, and said "Hey, I'm Jaspercat"

"WOW!" replied Ron, "Hey, you met Michael Palin? Sorry, but I don't know 'im, anywho, thanx for stopping by!"

Jaspercat then said "Oh, hey, just to save the author some thought, I figured I'd give you some un-enchanted sand, since there isn't really any around here"

Just then, a tall robed man, with a pointed hat, and a long grey beard walked up to them

"Are you Merlin?" asked Hermione

"Yes"

"Oh… umm, would you mind enchanting this sand for my time-turner?" asked Hermione.

"Why on earth would you want that?" asked Merlin, "The Time Turner only turns back time"

"Oh…" replied Hermione quietly, "umm, what do we do then? To get back to our time I mean"

"When are you from?" asked Merlin

"Oh, the year 2005, why?" replied a very confused Ron

"Sheesh, all you have to do is hold the enchanted sand in your hand…" Said Merlin, as he quickly muttered something in latin and enchanted the sand, "And try to cast stupefy on it"

Ron took a bit of the sand, and cast stupefy on it, and nothing happened.

Merlin began to laugh, "AHAHA! I'm sorry, Its just so FUN to mess with lil wizards, ahaha."

"So, what DO we do?" asked Hermione

"Oh, right, just click your heels together three times and repeat after me…"Said Merlin, " oh wait, sorry, wrong spell, that's for trans-dimensional travel"

"So… what is it?" asked Harry

"Lets ask Claire" said Merlin, (and Harry could've sworn he heard someone say "Claire, hah" point and laugh) as ClaireRickman walked up.

"Ello" said ClaireRickman, "Why don't you try putting the sand in the time turner, and turning it over the other way?"

"…" said Ron

"You cant really SAY …"

"I KNOW"

Hermione poured the sand into the time turner, and turned it over, the other way, and suddenly the area around her blurred, and she appeared back by Hogwarts… then she realized that she left Harry and Ron back in the 7'th century, and she sighed and went back in time… everything blurred…

Hermione saw Harry talking to ClaireRickman, "I dunno, I suppose if you got to take Snape home with you, the rating on this story might have to go up… I suppose you could, I'd just be quiet about it is all, but 20 galleons should be plenty! Make the check out to 'Shantazzar' and I'll cash it after the Snape/Dobby duet… If I can think of a good enough song…"

"Oh, there you are, I was worried" said Ron, as he and Harry walked over

This time, all three of them went back to Hogwarts, although it looked slightly different, and they saw Ginny walking around with Tom Riddle…

"What was that Merlin said about trans-dimensional travel?" asked a VERY worried looking Ron.

They quickly transported to the correct universe, as it is (or should be) obvious that there should never be anything between Ginny and Tom Riddle (otherwise known as VOLDEMORT ewwww)

After much confusion they arrived at the correct time and the correct place, and the correct everything else that would probably just annoy anyone reading rather than amuse them.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked inside, and ambled their way up to the Gryffindor Common room

"Mushgalellamumf" said Harry, as the painting slid away.

They entered, and Hedwig flew up to Harry, and gave him a letter

"Hmm, its from MorganLeFay99, somthin bout NI" Harry said, as he grabbed some parchment, and stole a quill from Hermione

"Lol, thanks for reminding me about the Knights who say Ni, I almost forgot! I haven't seen the movie in a few months, I need to watch it again, besides, I need to find some duet for Snape and Dobby, thanx!" wrote Harry, as he handed the note to Hedwig, and Hedwig flew off

Then Ron and Hermione went to their rooms and went to sleep, as it was kinda late and all. Harry decided to stay in the common room for a bit, to study for Defense against the Dark Arts, so he could impress the new teacher, Tim the Enchanter. Just then, Sk8rgurl610 walked up and said something that you can read in the reviews list if you really want to take the trouble.

"Oh thanks", said Harry "Yes, Monty Python does rock! And Harry Potter is fun too!" as Harry smiled smugly. "Ill try to keep updating as soon as I can… although I might occasionally get distracted by school"

Harry then walked up to his room, and finally went to sleep.

Harry had a strange dream that night, he saw the door in the Ministry of Magic again, but as he walked through it, he ended up in a field, where a penguin walked up to him, and said "Donuts are tasty"

The penguin, Harry then suddenly realized, wasn't a penguin at all, but a platypus sorcerer, and he turned the field into the Imperial Palace on Coruscant, where Jaina Kenobi walked up.

"Oh hey, that's awesome, I don't suppose you like the Matrix also? Not including the second and third necessarily… although they weren't all that bad, just worse than the first. By the way, I hope this has deviated enough from the original MP lol" said Harry, as Jaina Kenobi pulled out a lightsaber to fight the platypi sorcerer, however, as everyone knows platypi are very powerfull.

And so Harry woke up before the fight ended. He decided that he would lie about his dream in divination class again.


End file.
